People Pleasing: What Are The Actual Consequences of You Avoiding Conflict?


So what are the consequences of putting yourself last all the time? I'm sure you sort of know but you've probably not sat down and thought about it in any real depth for it to hit home. If you had, you'd know exactly what effect your choices are having on you.


But that's why I'm here right! To help you see things from a different perspective and give you some clarity. When you're too close to a situation, especially if it's been going on for a while, so you become blinded to it....It's always been this way, it's now just automatic, so you don't think about it much.


Ok, so, let's start at the begining, people-pleasing is often about control, and with your people pleasing you’re trying to boost your own self-esteem, avoid conflict, and manipulate the environment into what you need it to be to feel at ease.


You can’t help yourself, it’s like an addiction and just like any addiction there are consequences, let me share them with you now.


1 - Loss of identity

Always trying to please other people means you often hide yourself or morph into behaving like other people to get what you want. You’re a master chameleon, an expert at being anyone other than…you.


You’ve no idea what it is you really enjoy doing, what you like or dislike because you’ve never made an independent choice, one that’s just for you and only you. You’ve not put any time aside for yourself to try new things and explore possibilities which leads to...

2 - Resentment

The more you try to please those around you, the less time you have for you and the things you truly care about, which then leads to feeling resentful.

On top of that, if your needs aren’t being met by those around you because let’s face it you’re not telling them! You expect them to ‘just know’.. like you pride yourself on doing (or think you do, that’s a whole different blog!)


So when they don’t intuit or ‘just know’ your needs you start becoming resentful towards them too. Arghhh how can they be so uncaring?

You know you are quietly resenting them because you will find yourself making mean little jabs, being sarcastic, and other fun niceties like this, which leads to…


3 - Poor relationships and/or loss of relationships

I’m guessing that most of your relationships are very one-sided. Are you the one that plans outings, is the listening ear or shoulder to cry one? You’re the one everyone calls when they need something? And you like that, it makes you feel needed, wanted, valued and important…. but you’re not getting the same in return.


When you look at it as a whole, it’s not hard to see how this leads to short-lived relationships following a set pattern:


Joy and fun at first, then you start to feel exhausted, then resentment creeps in followed by mild confrontation and the inevitable parting of the ways. (I know because this is a pattern I followed many times)


When you look at it as a whole, it’s not hard to see how this leads to short-lived relationships following a set pattern:


Joy and fun at first, then you start to feel exhausted, then resentment creeps in followed by mild confrontation and the inevitable parting of the ways. (I know because this is a pattern I followed many times)

And if your relationships do last you don’t honestly share yourself with them, you can’t be intimate or vulnerable so when you’re pissed off you can’t voice why and you keep being mean, and stay in a loop of frustration and resentment


Eventually this all cumulates and leads to ….

4 - Emotional, physical and mental burnout

All that work to keep others happy is exhausting. Always being on guard of what you can say and do for others takes so much time that it literally drains you.

The only way you can recharge is to disappear into retreat for days maybe weeks on end.


Because you only feel at ease taking care of yourself when you’re totally alone so you create distance because that’s easier than telling someone how you feel.


5 - Poor time-management

I know you can’t ever say No to anyone or anything, it goes against your whole being … you actually have a physical reaction to it – you feel the fear and anxiety in your body.


You’re constantly on the go for other people, rushing about, not a minute to space. But your needs, desires, and dreams take a back seat, they're not considered, and slowly but surely you start to get left further and further behind in your own life. It then gets to a point that you’re now feeling scared because life has passed you by and you’re feeling so so sad – this my friend is a mid-life crisis.


People who have lived a happy fulfilled life do not have these panics when they start to feel a sense of their own mortality.. I promise you that!

Finally….

Speaking your truth and saying no when you need to doesn’t make you a selfish person. It makes you a real person, with real needs, and real relationships are only formed when we are real (shall I say ‘real’ a few more times haha)


AND it’s okay to want to help people and make them feel good, it’s important to foster a caring environment, the world needs more if it. BUT you need to know where to draw the line, you need to find a balance of helping them AND you.


Everyone is just as important as each other, and you know the best way to demonstrate this... by setting boundaries with yourself and others.


Boundaries are not about saying no all the time and demanding things of other people, even though that may seem like it, but that only happens when the person has no idea what a boundary is or how to set it.


When set correctly boundaries give both people a choice as to what happens next, if you'd like to discover more about the truth of boundaries and what pitfalls to avoid when setting them my free masterclass - The 3 Biggest Boundary Mistakes All People Pleasers Make and how to avoid them could be what you need. Just click the link to get access.


I hope this blog has helped to give you a different perspective and deeper insight on how your people pleasing tendancies are not benefitting you in the long run.


Thank you for reading this and I'd love it if you watched the masterclass.

If you want more awareness, tips and strategies to stop people pleasing and setting boundaries follow me on instagram too. I can be found at


@People.Pleasers.Rehab


Until next time

Kerry xx




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